Huh?

On my way to work this morning, I got stopped by a train. Annoying.

But my annoyance quickly turned to unbridled curiosity when I happened to glance to my left and spied this hood ornament on the truck next to me:
A closer look:

A handyman plunging a toilet? But his plunger is broken. I am sorry. I do not understand.

#27

I finally embarked on completing THE LIST. I started, logically, with #27: Get rid of 100 material items.

Let this exercise serve as notice that I am officially NOT a hoarder. In fact, items in the 4 closets of my house actually trembled with fear, so relentless was my clean-out. I divided said items into 4 piles: keep, throw away, give away, sell. I threw away/gave away/plan to sell more than 200 items, further cementing my reputation as an overachiever.

Need proof?

The pile in the foreground, I plan to consign. The rest goes to Goodwill. Or the dumpster.

I feel great about it. Thanks for asking.

One down, 29 to go.

Pet Peeve Monday

You love your dog. I get it. The argyle sweater and diamond-encrusted dog collar gave it away. But please, for the love of canines, do not impose your love of your dog on me by allowing it to gallop up to me, unleashed, on a public sidewalk as you stand idly by, smiling with admiration. Just because you let your dog lick your face, consider it a member of your family, and include it's photo on your Christmas card does not mean that I find your dog even remotely charming or irresistible. In fact, your dog makes me quite uncomfortable.

Buy a leash. Use the leash.

That is all.

Where's the "off" switch on this thing?

I'm alive! I made it! I survived the tournament! It was touch-and-go there for a few hours, especially on Wednesday when I caught myself yelling at a group of interns to "stop standing around like it's middle school field day and get over here and help me." Charming, no?

The tournament ended uneventfully and everyone survived the three days of post-tournament clean-up. Everyone except those guys from the tent and furniture rental company who laughed at me while I was picking up trash (also on Wednesday).

My post-tournament mental and physical recovery has been more difficult this year than in years past. I'm sure it's because I'm 30. My aches and pains have largely subsided, probably due to the fact that I haven't been asked to rip up a hardwood floor with my bare hands since Tuesday.

And while most people rightly assume that once the tournament is over, I collapse, breath a sigh of relief, and sleep for 72-hours straight, my experience this year has been quite different. I'm suffering from what I've dubbed "Post Tournament Stressful Dreams", not to be confused with actual P.T.S.D., a serious and debilitating condition often suffered by those who survive harrowing near-death experiences. Like those who wear white after Labor Day.

My own P.T.S.D. has taken the form of restless nights of sleep, interrupted by dreams of dead flowers in the Champion's bouquet, 2 national anthem singers showing up at the same time to sing, a misspelled word in a sponsor's ad on the daily draw sheet, and other such nonsense. The best anology I can draw is that my mind is like a treadmill that's been set on the pace of a 5-minute mile. It's spinning, humming, chugging along as fast as it can. The problem? The runner got off about 4 days ago.

I'm happy to report that I slept soundly last night, so maybe my mind has finally gotten the message. But just in case:

Dear Mind,
YOU CAN SHUT UP NOW.

Love,
Bits

Looking on the bright side

Let's face it. There are a lot of things about this time of year (tournament time) that keep me teetering on the ledge between sanity and a nice, cozy bed in the loony bin. The long hours, the sore feet, the barely having time to use the restroom...these are the things that are really easy to focus on. Mainly because they're RIGHT IN MY FACE ALL THE TIME. But instead of dedicating a post to them, I made a brief list this morning of things I really love about the tournament. I thought of 5 things.

1). Unlimited, free Diet Coke.
2). As finals weekend gets closer, people start to dress up, and that makes me smile. Ladies arrive in their fancy sun dresses and sun hats and guys wear seersucker. I like it.
3). I love when people stop me and ask me to take their picture. I really mean that. It's fun to see people having a good time.
4). I love when I'm carrying a heavy box or dragging a full hand-truck around and suddenly, I hear a really LOUD cheer from the stadium. How nice of people to cheer for me. But really...it's a strangely rewarding sound.
5). Every time I walk out or in the front gate (which happens approximately 5,631 times per hour), the elderly volunteer ticket-takers ALWAYS say "Here comes trouble!" and everyone cracks up. Every. Single. Time.

These are the things I will focus on for the next few days. As I try with every fiber of my being to ignore the person standing outside my office door RIGHT NOW spraying bug spray.

Observation

Tennis (the quietest sport on earth) + Blue Angels practice + live ESPN2 broadcast = Bad Combo.

Ew.

I just saw a man. Eating a bagel. Using the top of his tennis shoe. As a plate. Ew.

Pet Peeve Monday...on Tuesday

Give me a break, ok? So I didn't have time yesterday to write a Pet Peeve. I'm right in the middle of the biggest event of my year...the good 'ole Family Circle Cup. This week is so ripe with Peeves that I'm actually able to think of three tournament peeves right off the top of my head. Not much time to expound upon them...it's 6:55 am and I have a staff meeting in 5 minutes:

Dear everyone,
STOP SPRAYING BUG SPRAY INSIDE. Why are you standing in the doorway of my office, jabbering away about something no one cares about, while spraying bug spray all over yourself? GO OUTSIDE.

Dear tennis fans,
Why do you come to the tournament dressed in your full tennis gear? You do realize that you're here to watch, right? And that, under no circumstance will we ever turn to you in the crowd and ask you to jump on the court and finish out a match for Serena?

Dear annoying intern,
When I say good morning and ask how you're doing, please don't say "I'm tired." You've been here for 4 days and you've gone home at 6pm each of those days. I haven't had a day off since March 8. Saying you're tired to me is like a big, fat American saying "I'm STARVING" in front of an Ethiopian.

That is (not) all.

Very True

Also very true: Some us of were smart enough to come to the battle armed with hand grenades.

Free Brownie Jackpot

When I was a freshman in college (Reinhardt Eagles, go fight win) I lived on the second floor of the dorm, which was awesome because that also happened to be the floor with the vending machine beside the elevator. Almost every morning, I would shuffle out to the lobby to buy some horrendously healthy treat. I became especially fond of those really gooey brownies with the icing and fake pecans on top. You know the ones.

So anyway, one morning I rolled out of bed and down the hall, put my change in the machine and pushed the button for one of those brownies. The arm of the machine turned, dispensing one brownie. And then something miraculous happened. The arm kept turning. And turning. And turning. And with every rotation, another brownie fell.

Jackpot.

Especially to a college kid who was probably headed to remedial math to eventually fail another test. I gathered up all the loot (what was I gonna do...leave 'em?) and while the vending machine arm kept turning, I ran back to my room to celebrate my good fortune with my roommate, Kelly.

Here's hoping you enjoy your own version of a Free Brownie Jackpot today.

Pet Peeve Monday

People who feed sea gulls should be swiftly, harshly, cruelly, and unusually punished. No right to a fair trial necessary.

That is all.

More Than A Peeve

Speechless. I have been rendered completely speechless. I need advice.

I've made no secret of the fact that I am HORRIBLE at yard work. In fact, the whole yard work facet of home ownership has caused me several sleepless nights. I often wish the outside of my house was reflective of the charm I've managed to achieve inside, but I just haven't been able to make that happen yet.

The most challenging part of my particular yard are the two HUGE oak trees that, while beautiful, are the most leaf-losing set of trees known to man. For almost 2 years, I've lamented how the leaves of those trees pile up in at the front of the yard and make the ground...soggy? Is that the right word? Like one time the Comcast man showed up in his van and it sunk down into the soil right by the road because the leaves are so...dense.

Enter my elderly Yard-Of-The-Month-Winning across the street neighbor, Bob. Bob and his wife Virginia are in their late 80's and spend literally all their time outside working on their yard. To their credit, it looks marvelous. Not a blade of grass out of place.

Well. After some crafty investigative work by someone in my entourage, it turns out that the reason Bob's yard is so leaf-bare and my yard is so leaf-laden is because my neighborly neighbor Bob blows all his leaves right across the street...INTO MY YARD.

Please reread that last paragraph.

Now please join me in totally freaking out.

What a jerk! What a slimy, leaf-blowing, fraudulent-yard-of-the-month-winning jerk!

So what am I to do? The clean-up of his existing leaves will be a back breaking job. Do I confront him? Blow the leaves back into his yard? Sabotage his leaf blower? Install a picket fence? Install an electric fence? Petition the non-existent homeowners association?

I'm totally speechless. And more than peeved.

30 Things to Try in My 30th Year

So, the list has been finalized. Now the hard part begins...actually doing each of these 30 things before March 6, 2011. While I'm really excited about some of the items, others positively terrify me. But I guess that's part of the experience, huh? Some of these I've never done and others I haven't done in many, many years. They aren't listed in any particular order:

1. Order spaghetti at a fancy Italian restaurant. (I hate spaghetti, just so you know)
2. Make a list of 101 things that make me happy.
3. Fly a kite.
4. Memorize a poem.
5. Go kayaking.
6. Go hiking.
7. Spend 2 days in total silence.
8. Plant a tree.
9. Try pistachio ice cream.
10. Ride a roller coaster.
11. Watch a scary movie in a theater.
12. Do yoga.
13. Camp in a tent.
14. Shoot a gun.
15. Commit a random act of kindness.
16. Mail a secret to PostSecret.com
17. Learn CPR.
18. Be a tourist in New York City.
19. Tell a manager about good customer service.
20. Grill fish.
21. Be a vegetarian for 7 days.
22. Run a road race.
23. Sing karaoke in public.
24. Sleep under the stars.
25. Be free of all credit card debt.
26. Write a fan letter.
27. Get rid of 100 material items.
28. Send flowers to someone unexpectedly.
29. Work a puzzle.
30. Visit the Pendergrass Flea Market.

Let the games begin!