The Agony of Victory

The week before July 4th always makes me a bit nostalgic for days gone by. When I was a child, my family and I would make the trip to Treasure Island, FL for our family summer vacation. There, the town would put on a 4th of July spectacle which included sand sculpting contests, body painting contests, a staged pirate invasion complete with ships, cannons and a huge sand mound, fireworks, and prizes.

I had my first frozen Snickers bar from the snack shack and my life was never the same.

I also had my first brush with public humiliation. And my life was never the same.

Picture it. I am about 6 years old and in awe of all the festivities around me. The sand sculpting! The flags! The pirate fight! Fireworks were mere hours away! I trudge to the beach, wearing my fancy pink bathing suit. My mother, suddenly overcome with competitive drive, has a flash of inspiration and insists that I enter the body painting contest. A pink flamingo! After a bit of convincing, I caved. The result?
Florida Flamingo. I won first place. And lost my dignity. I can vividly recall standing in the judges' tent with my mom as everyone tried to convince me to stand on one foot. You know, just like flamingos do. I remember being SO EMBARRASSED in front of all the teenaged judges. I put my foot down (literally) and refused to strike the pose.

Thankfully, my paint job was convincing enough to earn the trophy despite my stage fright.

And as usual, my big brother tried to claim his share of the glory.

Little did he know, his time was coming. The following summer, his blue striped bathing suit inspired an Uncle Sam paint job.

As you enjoy the coming holiday weekend with your loved ones, please fight the urge to paint your children. Is that too much to ask?

Pet Peeve Monday

I have a feeling any Peeve I could possibly muster would pale in comparison to what this poor soul is enduring today:

May the force be with you, my friend.

MEGA POST

June 14? Really? It's been almost 2 weeks since my last post? Really. That's Busch League, Bits. Busch League.

My sincerest apologies. I have no excuse, really, except to say that this pesky little thing called LIFE got in the way and distracted me from this here blog. To make it up to you, I've created MEGA POST (intended to be spoken by some booming voice over guy with lots of echos. and maybe a harp at the end).

a

Pet Peeve Monday (for June 21): When you're shown to a table in a restaurant by the hostess, sit at that table. Do not point to a booth across the restaurant and ask if you can sit over there instead. It is annoying. Sit where you're shown. Exceptions to this include requesting a seat move to be nearer a celebrity and requesting a seat move to get a better view of a major sporting event broadcast.

a

Number 5: I am happy to report that I've successfully completed #5 on THE LIST. That's right...I went kayaking. Even better, I went kayaking IN A BAYOU. With my COUSINS. And my Aunt Lisa. Beat that.

a

You want proof?

a

The COUSINS (L-R): Kelly from Texas, her little brother Cole (from Texas), Cousin Eric from Knoxville, Cousin Allison from Knoxville, me, Cousin Greta from Knoxville. Being the benevolent soul that she is, Aunt Lisa (from Knoxville) took the picture.




Pre-launch:

Post-launch:

On high manatee alert:

Sittin' in the bayou, admiring my new pedicure:

When Aunt Lisa learned of THE LIST, she bought me this mini kayaking man antennae ornament to commemorate my accomplishment. Told you she was benevolent.

The End.

a

Funny Conversation:
Me: Wow. Those are big pretzels!

Jeremy: Yup.

Me: How many can they fit in the box, like 5?

Jeremy: No, there's a whole box full!

a

Annnnnd Scene.

Pet Peeve Monday

You live in Charleston. OF COURSE IT'S HOT OUTSIDE. What is it exactly that you expected from this climate during this time of year? Anything less than air so thick you can chew it is nothing but a silly pipe dream.

Get over it and stop stating the (oppressively humid) obvious. "Man, it sure it hot outside." As they said in the 80's, "no duh."

That is all.

#17

Yesterday, I successfully completed #17 on THE LIST.

If you find yourself suffering from sudden cardiac arrest (because THAT'S really funny to joke about...), this friendly face can help resuscitate you:

However, when faced with the horror of having to put my mouth on your mouth (no offense), the following is more likely the face you'll see:

Nonetheless, I'm officially certified in CPR and basic first aid.

Cough twice if you're choking...

For once, I have no words.

I came across this picture on the Facebook page of a girl I went to high school with. I have been rendered completely speechless:

I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat

Note to self:

If you're a radio station sales rep who is trying to convince me to spend more than 1/2 of my total Patty Labelle/Boyz II Men concert advertising budget with your radio station, it's an ill-advised move for you to write the following in an e-mail:

"Hey! Any word on the Patty Label proposal I sent last week?"

No...no word yet. But I do have a couple letters for ya.

And yes, I did say Boyz II Men. I'm already saying prayers for matching sweater vests and a little cooleyhighharmony.

That is all.

Belated Horn Tooting

It's been a year! It's been a year! The first post to Bits and Wiz happened on May 28, 2009. Since that time, you've endured (or enjoyed?) 164 posts including 47 Pet Peeve Mondays, and for that I'd like to thank you. Let's face it, I'd write posts with or without an audience, but it sure makes it more fun to think there are people out there reading. Or just pointing and laughing.

Here's to another year of antics...I have a feeling it's gonna be a good one!